My entire life I have felt BIG emotions. I lead with my emotions. Anyone who truly knows me, knows this. I have never been one or the “type” to get "angry" but more sad. I get very sad and overwhelmed. I have also always felt other peoples emotions, whether you believe in being an empath or not, that's okay. But I know it is very very much real. Something I have struggled with understanding and navigating my entire life. Always walking on eggshells around anyone and everyone because I can feel the energy of ANY room I enter.
But I know with this also comes a lot of love from me. I know I love BIG. I know I love LOUD. I love without conditions. When most people today honestly only can offer conditional love. That just is not me. It never has been. It's probably overwhelming to others because I can be a lot. I know this. Also something I am processing and navigating. But it's just me trying to process and handle my own emotions and maybe, just maybe, trying to heal others in a way that is not possible and love them the way I always long to be loved myself.
I have forgiven others with ease rather they apologized to me directly or not. My love for them was much greater in my soul than the thought of holding onto anger long term. I despise the way anger feels in my body, I always have.
Until about a year ago I constantly looked at others for my happiness and to no surprise was always left feeling empty and let down. I thought as long as I let go of the anger and kept showing up with love, kindness, forgiveness and compassion that would be enough.
For the most part I buried the bad memories because I couldn't stand the emotions that surfaced when I allowed myself to travel back in time through my memories I've suppressed. I thought to myself often "If I've forgiven them and I have no anger attached to that memory then there's no point in going back?"
I also prayed that one day all those who had broken bits and pieces of my soul would finally find it in their hearts to personally apologize and make things right. Again, I was looking for others to "fix" me and became even more broken and sad waiting on those who never stepped up to heal me.
I thought something was wrong with me personally because I seemed to attract nothing but pain in my life. It was a repeating cycle of heartache, anger, forgiveness, love and compassion. I constantly showed up for others with a positive attitude hoping they'd be grateful for my caring heart and would finally take care of it as I did theirs. Again, another big painful lesson for me. I am so grateful for that pain now.
Though it would be ideal for those who have wronged me to try and "fix" me, reassure me, protect me, be kind to me, support me, be proud of me and love me unconditionally as I did them.. They didn't and they may never. It was a huge and painful horse pill to swallow, but I did.
I realized through a LOT of trial and error that I am responsible for my own happiness! I have to be my biggest cheerleader, I have to show up for myself, I have to reassure myself, I have to be proud of myself, I have to go back in time and dissect each and every terrible memory that has left me bruised, scarred, and broken and reassure my inner child that I did nothing wrong. I have to be the best friend I wish I would have had all throughout my life.
I then had to change "I had too" to "I get too!"
Having people in our life who we can count on and love is amazing and truly special! Treasure and hold onto those people. However YOU are the one who needs to keep showing up for YOU!
Healing what other people have broken and reliving those painful memories isn't easy. It's honestly the hardest and most painful thing I've had to do but I am worth it. YOU'RE worth it. It is a never ending cycle of healing but once you start and manage to get through that first ride back in time, you'll never go back to allowing yourself to hush that inner child within you.
You'll never be so proud of yourself because it takes so much courage, strength, resilience, and love for yourself to heal what others have broken.
In YOUR time. Don't compare yourself to me or anyone else. It's okay if you aren't ready. It's okay if you don't forgive easily. It's okay to have doubts. It's okay to feel your emotions. It's okay if one day you are singing at the top of your lungs, and the next you are sinking deeper into your couch crying and can't seem to find the light. I promise you, it's there.
Your gut will tell you when it's time. Just try your best to listen and get ready to be the bestest friend you ever had! Get ready to finally love yourself.
I can say now with complete honesty that I finally love myself. I am forever evolving, but I love who I am and who I am becoming. To the little girl longing to believe the words and affirmations I would routinely say to myself in the mirror. It's taken me 32 years but I actually hear myself for the first time and believe myself when I say that; and it's such a beautiful feeling. ❤️
Your peace is worth fighting for.
YOU are worth fighting for and I love you so freaking much.
