a year ago today everything changed.
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I talk more about this in detail in another blog post. So bare with me as I bring my thoughts together, the jumbled words in my head. It’s all still so raw, I’m navigating it & still healing. But I’m glad you’re here.
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I’ve reflected a lot on if I wanted to share anything. That maybe I should just “keep my mouth shut” not share anything on how my world was turned upside down completely unexpected & how I was blindsided. Yes. I will use that term. Because it’s true.
How I found a new place to live because the place I was living was becoming toxic for me. Not just financially, but mentally, emotionally & my work/life balance I had zero boundaries. Which is a very hard place to be. When you’re someone who cares for others & already struggles with boundaries, it’s easy to be taken advantage of.
I was convinced to move into this place for the false hope & promises that I was convinced of at the time. The apartment I was being promised kept getting pushed back as to when it would be finished. Originally being a couple months, (For context: I moved out of my apartment to their basement in April 2021 being told July 2021 is the projected date) to I honestly don’t think they’re still done (as far as March 2023). So was I supposed to just keep waiting? The rent amount was I was originally told for these apartments also kept going up, every time I was talked to about it, everything would change. There was also things going on at work that kept falling back on me, when it shouldn’t have. I was not trained properly. So there was just a lot going on. Again I go in more detail in another blog post.
I spent a lot of time at my parents while I was living in the basement. I also never once ever used the kitchen upstairs in their home to cook myself anything. Maybe the microwave, or when the kitchenette was installed downstairs, I used that microwave oven a handful of times. I ate dinner with them a handful of times too. Again, I spent a lot of time at my parents. At the time of staying there they told me I didn’t need to pay rent, also thankful they were trying to help me financially because they knew I was struggling so figuring I could save & use that money towards the apartment. The money I had done well saving for this apartment I was promised, all went to doctor bills in the next few months it drained my account, quickly. But this was also around the time things shifted, when I started to have health problems again so I was barely there. But I do not feel I was ever “living off of anyone” & it seems that’s the narrative that’s been going around as to why I was let go. Which is really unfortunate. & to be quite frank, unfair.
So during this time I found a new place to live. Hoping it would relieve some stress & because I felt I had overstayed my welcome to where I was staying. I officially moved in March 20th. I thought this was the beginning of things turning around for me.
After going through struggles of uncontrollable seizures, practically dying in August of 2021, to my mental health struggling. I took a few weeks of February 2022 off to start to hopefully get answers, see doctors & get help as to what was going on with my health. Returning to work March 2.
I was back at work for 11 (working) days. Only to be let go, March 21. A year ago today. The day after I just moved into my new place. The day after I thought I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. That day I really was having a good day. But soon not knowing at the end of the day the devastation I went through the following next months was seriously the worst depressive state I’ve been in. That isn’t their fault as they’re not in control of my emotions I know this. The financial struggle that followed suit. (if it wasn’t for my parents & my moms cooking skills where she tends to cook for an army, so there’s always enough food, lol I wouldn’t have ate. I couldn’t afford anything). It made more sense looking back how things happened, why I was being pushed so hard by them to move to Texas in less than a 24 hour notice before I returned back to work. Again, I realize I was merely a business transaction & everyone is replaceable. As stated, when you’re involved with people more than a working relationship where they become more like family & you helped out whenever or wherever was needed. With the other business, personal, honestly anything that was needed, you were there. Until you began struggling with your health, it hurts. It’s devastating.
It’s honestly crazy how things can change in a year.
My relationship with God & my church began to grow during this time. I relied solely on trusting Him & His path for me. I dove heavy into Bible study. I stepped out in church boldly in faith when asked to come forward, knowing I was being completely vulnerable. I was prayed for, prayed over, I prayed. I cried. I was overwhelmed, I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was a broken mess, yet faithfully God kept speaking to me.
For ten months I kept applying for jobs, having great interviews but then never going anywhere. I was surviving on basic needs & my moms dinners. I was lost, I truly didn’t understand what was happening. I seriously felt alone. I didn’t understand how I could apply a minimum of five places every week, yet get nowhere for TEN months. People would ask me what I was going to do. Tell me they couldn’t do it. I heard over & over “everywhere is hiring” as if I didn’t already know that. Nobody understood how I was desperately grasping at anything, yet getting nowhere. I wanted to give up completely. But I kept telling myself & everyone else “I don’t know, but God has a plan, He is definitely working in my life” because nothing else made sense.
I do believe everything happens for a reason. That was only a stepping stone in my story. & even though I thought my time would be spent much longer with them, I know Gods timing is always right & better than I could ever imagine.
I am sharing not to shame anyone, but for others to understand your worth. Know when an environment becomes toxic. Don’t be taken advantage of. Know when you have overstayed your welcome & kindly remove yourself. Step away from things that no longer serve you. It’s okay, it’s going to be okay. It may not make sense in the moment, but it will all come together. & know that the truth always comes to light.
I have struggled with all these things for as long as I can remember. But this last year I struggled hard, but found my relationship with God grow stronger. Please know you are never alone.
God painfully removed me, to purposely redirect my steps.
I speak this over anyone who needs this. Remember God will redirect you even if it is painful, God hears conversations you didn’t, saw things you didn’t see, & made things happen because He knew you wouldn’t move. Stand firm. Be faithful. Know that He is with you, always.
