Hey there, I am really glad you’re here.
First off let me say, I do love to write and it’s for sure helped me in ways to process things, but I am not a writer. So, bear with me on this new journey and while I navigate through this. Things I want to get out but it’s too long maybe for a FB post. This is all the words jumbled up in my head and I am finally sharing or getting it out of my head. Maybe I can start to close some of the ‘tabs’ in my mind constantly open and anxious. I am going to talk about a lot of things. For this post particular, the whole last year of life. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. I haven’t talked openly about this, but I feel for me to heal, move on and let go, I need to. People say I overshare too much. I’ve also been told me sharing has helped so many people. So, it’s a win-lose situation, either way you look at it. But to me, if I can help one person, it’s a win.
I have always wanted to start a blog; I’ve been scared of the judgement and all the things just holding me back. So, I guess this is me finding my voice, speaking my truth and advocating for myself.
When I say not a lot of people know what’s going on in my life, I mean it. I am so selective with who I tell what to, that I know who told you if you know something.
This whole last year has been a whirlwind for me. I’ve shared bits and pieces, but I’m about to share entirely, well maybe not exactly everything but a majority of what I’ve been going through. Grab some popcorn or a snack. You could be here for a little while; I have a lot to go over.
Trust me, I know that life gets busy. I get that. But when you’ve been through what I have over and over again, there comes a point where you have to stop the vicious cycle. Right? I’m at a point in my life where I don’t expect too much from people anymore. I’ve become so secluded because of this. I’ve also noticed that I have become the forgotten about friend. The uninvited friend. The one who hasn’t been checked on in my darkest, brutal time friend. I’ve become used to that. I’m honestly okay with it. I just don’t care anymore. Does it still hurt, oh absolutely. I don’t mean this harshly, but I believe in loyalty and meaningful relationships. I pride myself on being there for everyone. So it’s hard for me when it’s not given in return, why am I not worth this same energy?.. but that’s the thing, I am. I wholeheartedly am worth it.
So as I go through this timeline it may be a shock to some, some I’m close with and had no idea. Some had no idea at all. Some maybe had an idea but didn’t ask. I’m not sharing for sympathy, I’m sharing so I can release it and heal. I am going to be transparent, honest, and vulnerable. I am hoping to shed light on things that are real and raw.
Where do I begin, laying my trauma out on the line isn’t something I take exactly lightly, but I do have stories. So I won’t get into the part of the story before this which added to part of my deeply rooted depression. If I continue with this blog, that’s stories for another time.
So there will be parts of this timeline that I might leave out and minor things that were so significant in the chaotic time.
We will start here:
September 2020-January 2021 - I was drinking way more than I’d like to admit maybe even more than I realized. When I would drink, I just didn’t care, and it wasn't good not just for my mental health, but my health in general. I find out later on why I struggled more even if I had one or two, the “hangover” for me was different. It was a good time, I have lots of pictures to show, but I was trying to numb the pain and ignore how much I was hurting. I would cry and just drink, then cry more because the feelings I was masking would surface. I had fun meeting new people and making memories, but I was spiraling internally. I wasn’t ready to face anything like I thought I had, so my internal demons would get the best of me. There were times I would sit in the snow in the fields and just cry basically freezing but not even caring…my heart was broken. I was struggling. Nobody at all knew the pain I was in because I hid it so well, until I drank enough to make me cry. I was avoiding all the pain, hurt, guilt, shame, and lies because that’s all I knew. So, in the avoidance, I drank…a lot, even if it was only on the weekends. I also wasn’t sleeping much at all, which also added to the chaos. In this five/six-month time frame I was also hanging out a lot and “talking” *eyeroll* (I guess that’s what they’re calling it nowadays) to someone new. You’ll shortly see how this unfolds in the upcoming end of January.
End of January 2021 - go to Cancun with work. Had a great time, saw the ocean for the first time, snorkeled, played sand volleyball on the beach. I had the best time and am very thankful for this trip. The only bad part was almost dying because of seizures and almost being sent to the Mexico hospital, but we got it under control. Oh aaand my +1. So we all fly back and I get “broke up” with two days later by text from the guy I took with me on said all-inclusive paid vacation by my work. *eye roll* Lame. I was naive, used and an idiot for taking him. I should’ve listened to my gut intuition, and people who tried to warn me. But I am one to give everyone a chance and form my own opinion. (this is all I will say about this, it was disheartening how easy it was for him to use me and lie to me for 5/6 months, he comes up later in the storyline too, but I won’t discuss it any further, no more time needs to be wasted) Lesson learned. It’s fine.
February/March - 2/11 - I get a new vehicle, thank gosh. The debt of the previous one I was drowning in and struggling financially because of it. 2/12 - I was feeling fine and then it hits me out of nowhere I felt off. My heart rate went to 112 just sitting still, I was super nauseous, I couldn’t form full sentences, and ended up having seizures. Which is always exhausting. Around this time, I also rescued a cat that was left behind at a house I went to photograph. My heart strings were definitely pulled. 2/27 - Courtnie comes to Nebraska for my birthday. Started great. I was excited because I can’t remember the last time I celebrated my birthday, it’s never been a big thing. So it was nice to finally do something with friends. It ended up in drama, being ditched and trash-talked by my other friends while they drove around and talked about everything they hated about me. 3/6 -My grandma was also taken by ambulance to the ER for having leg pain and she completely fell over backwards. She ended up having multiple fractures to her spine. She was moved to ICU to help her with her breathing. They were hoping on 3/8 to take her off the bipap machine. I was also able to see the projected floorplan of the new apartments, that was in discussion for me to move into, which was really cool. 3/27 - have a “granny” birthday party for a friend and dressing up for that was really fun. I was told the whole time that I looked like Sophia from Golden Girls. It was great.
Apr. 2nd to be exact, I had a plan, it was all good to go. I was determined. I wasn’t in the best mindset, my childhood trauma, the last three months and life in general just was weighing heavily on me. When you’re in a dark place and feel you can’t come out it’s a very depressing place to be. I wasn’t okay. I was hiding the pain for so long. I was on my way to take my life. I couldn’t stand how heavy life was feeling anymore. How alone I felt. Crying in my car, driving to execute the plan. I get a FB message from a friend someone I haven’t spoken to in a while. Asking me what I was doing and if I wanted to meet up with him and a friend and have a drink. I made up some excuse of how I haven’t eaten yet and tried to leave it at that. He insisted that we can get food and hang out. I then said oh, I just went through a drive-thru or something along those lines trying to just mask what I was about to do and leave it at that. Again, he said want to meet at Bandits. I wasn’t sure at the time, but God had a hand in that. I wasn’t sure why, but I turned my car halfway already out of town around, went through Freddy's, then sat in the parking lot of Bandits with tears in my eyes while I waited and where we ended up meeting and talking. I’m not sure if he knows it but he saved my life that night. [When it comes to anything health related, I tried to document it so I could keep track for doctors, patterns, etc.] 4/3 - I ended up in the hospital for seizures and had to move all in the same week. I had a certain time I had to be out. It was a very sudden last-minute decision, but I moved out of my apartment downtown to my boss's back suite, in the hopes of my new downtown apartment being built by them and projected to move in Aug/Sept 2021. I am very grateful for everything they did for me, we really did become like family. I also sent in my molds for my aligners for Invisalign. So even though lots was happening, and I was checked out, I was trying to be positive.
May - 2nd week in went to ER. ER doctor wanted nothing to do with me, so that was fun. (I haven’t had the best of luck with doctors, I am used to them not caring or wanting to help) end of May - Fly to Texas for Courtnie’s birthday, 100% surprised her. We had a great time.
June 1 - flying back from Texas was a nightmare. We got switched to three different planes and deplaned the last time for technical issues. Then ended up getting canceled after like 1a, (I was supposed to be home at 9 or 10p). They offered vouchers to stay in a hotel but at this point it was 2a and I just stayed at the airport. I didn’t sleep at all because I couldn’t get comfortable and was overwhelmed with all the mess. The new flight was at 7a. We then didn’t have a flight attendant for that flight, so we had to wait to board. After all that chaos, I finally made it home, except now Nala was missing in a 7,000sq ft building. Already haven’t slept for over 24 hours then stayed awake to try to find her. Couldn’t. Cried so much. I wasn’t okay. I started my aligners for Invisalign. Yay! I fell asleep on the floor with the door open, next to her litter box and a can of tuna. 3rd at 12:22a - Nala woke me up. Yay!! I cried and was over the moon. I seriously thought I lost her forever. I then read a text from my parents that my sister is being transported to Omaha because her pacemaker kept shocking her. I was extremely worried. It felt like it was one thing after another.
June - middle - I was in a very dark place mentally. Still I wasn’t doing okay, it was definitely fake it ‘til you make it. I tried to celebrate the small wins, even if it was just getting out of bed. I went to street dances to try to help, I did have a lot of fun, but again drinking more to mask the pain. I was still severely heartbroken (not over Cancun guy, btw) and trying to hide it and not deal with it. I was numb.
July - GCA days, Wolbach days, lake days, I had lots of fun. It was the prime of #HotBoySummer, haha. It was hard, but I smashed all the pain down. I also went floating down the river for the first time which was a blast. Was asked to model for a photographer so I did. That was fun. Those photos end up getting published in a magazine. I was excited for that. I reconnected with someone I care deeply about. I thought I was getting better….
August - beginning hung out with friends but you can tell in all the pictures I’m just not there. Also reconnected, surprised and hung out with my favorite little girl with the help of her mom. Had so so much fun. Thankful to now call her mom a friend and connect with her. 6/14 - Garth Brooks concert was so much fun! School picture season starts. 28th/29th - I end up dying. Had to be resuscitated 3x then taken to ER, seizures kept happening, and I was kept overnight. I slept for like 36+ hours. After that I struggled, every little thing I did took sooo much energy. I was so tired. There is more to that story, but maybe for another time. Also the projected time of moving into the new apartment was this month, still not completed. Bummer.
September - 1st, I was having a hard time understanding why I didn’t die and why I was kept alive. I was struggling very hard with this for the next few months. I was so exhausted still. 9/2 Bosses had someone staying in the back room that I was staying in for an Airbnb, so I had to move to the basement, that was exhausting and overwhelming. 9/5 and 9/11 - got to hang out with my fav little girl again. 9/20 - I finally put an end to a very abusive past relationship that was still trying to find ways to control me even 8 years later. I posted something on fb and someone screenshot it and sent it to him, which made him reach out to me and start the cycle I was trying to close and end all over again. It was extremely toxic. This is one of the stories for another time. But needless to say, it was a long time coming and even though I tried for so many years he would just find ways to weasel into my life.
October - Even though I was working a lotttt I was rocking school pictures and running/in charge of that entire department. Doing excellent in Real Estate. Was again trying to celebrate the small wins. 9th - Courtnie comes to Nebraska again we have a great time. She leaves I visit my sick grandma to get my mail and am astonished and ashamed of what has transpired in HER house, because of other people. I struggle hard with this for the upcoming weeks. End of October I get superrrr sick. I also finished my aligners and just have to wear a retainer to bed, yay!!! This is huge win for me to something I was so self conscious about. Also, see progress on downtown apartments, being said projected move in, possibly by March, 2022
November - 1st get super sick with covid. Get better though and go back to work right at the end of my quarantine. I should have taken another day or two but I am determined and have a really good work ethic where I feel guilty if I miss any days. But it was exhausting and I overdid it for sure. It took all my energy just to walk to another room.
Somewhere I think in this time frame (might have been October even) I met with Bosses for my review. This is a part in the story that comes back full circle which is the point in me mentioning it. We talked about things I needed to work on, like speaking up for myself and other things. I knew I needed to work on headshots. I’d bring it up every time about how something was off. There was a specific look I needed to be trained on. And with lights, posing etc. I was second guessing myself. Not that mine were terrible and I know that I second guess myself a lot. But they are not where they should be. I couldn’t ever figure out what I was doing wrong or different. I brought this up and she agreed that she would make a “course/class” and we would review and go over things and meet every week. I was excited but spoke up (knowing how things are) I said that sounds great but unless we set things on the calendar and it’s scheduled, it won’t get done. When it comes to our business, we always put it on the back burner, we always called it the “stepchild in the basement.” We laughed and agreed. We talked about how good I did with school season running the entire department jumping from eight schools last year to 19 this year and how I was crushing it. Then said we would meet again in three months to discuss and see where I was at. Sounds good. End of November - I’m driving and forget where I am completely. It all seemed foreign to me. It was really weird.
December - Ask my sisters to come in after work to practice on headshots. That goes well. I was confused. I knew mine looked slightly off and was frustrated because I couldn’t figure out why. But was still trying, while I was waiting for the “course” to be figured out. It had been a few weeks and nothing was done about that yet. So I was trying to not get frustrated. 15th - start to see a new doctor in hopes to get some answers. 21st - lost all feeling on the left side of my body and had partial paralysis. Still don’t know what the cause of that is. Start lots of supplements to help jumpstart healing my gut health. I also started researching heavily about headshots taking the initiative to try to figure it out with the specific look/style I was supposed to learn, since I wasn’t sure what the “course” that was supposed to be created would entail, I dove right in. YouTube, webinars, online, blogs, etc. I was in it. Trying to learn and understand. Projected new move-in for apartments end of March.
2022
Side Bar: I have a very strong intuition, when I have a feeling or strong thought, it’s usually spot on or happens.
January - the beginning was a little chaotic with health issues and drama. See progress of downtown apartment. Middle - I was exhausted from not sleeping. The supplement schedule I was on was really overwhelming. Parents rescue new dog Dolly Pawton. Shes adorable, and claimed me as her favorite human. Spoke about prices for rent for the apartment and it was more than I was originally told, but still think I could’ve made it work .End of January - Courtnie comes to Nebraska. We’re having a good time. I end up in the ER and was released slept because of the medication they provided woke up and can’t come out of seizures. Back to the ER. I was barely conscious and that whole ER trip was odd, they were trying to make me talk to doctors on robot machines and iPads, when I couldn’t keep my eyes open or really comprehend what was even going on. My body was exhausted and in pain from every muscle contracting from the multiple seizures. Courtnie ends up talking with my bosses about everything going on because she is severely worried about me, they come up with a plan to move me to Texas. I get out of the hospital Tuesday and am exhausted. Tuesday take Courtnie to the airport, Wednesday sleep all day. Wednesday night talk to my bosses about the Texas thing. There was an entire plan and process in place. They plan that we will leave that Friday. I was game and thought it was best as I wasn’t doing good with my health and maybe I could get help there. I was still tired and exhausted from the couple days prior being in the hospital. I then realized I had to pack everything and was nowhere near close to ready for that. I was severely overwhelmed. Ended up not working out. I decided it wasn’t the best time to go that fast in 24h.
February - a lot happened this month and was the start to what seemed to be spiraling, so bear with me - First week - I was still trying to figure stuff out with my health. I had partial paralysis that started on one side and then went to the other. I also started getting results back from some labs I had sent in. Ended up figuring out lots of things. Found out I’m allergic to alcohol, my body/liver doesn’t know good toxins from bad, so it redistributes the bad. Which would explain why I always felt worse when drinking and why I never had the typical “hangover” it was always 100x worse. I am very close to being celiac and was advised to stop eating gluten. They’re certain I have an autoimmune disease. I have problems with my thyroid. I am low on lots of things such as iron, vitamins b, d and some I didn’t know existed. Two of my b-enzymes one from each parent don’t work and are broken. (You have four total two from each parent), I was losing my hair. Like an astronomical amount that isn’t normal, and lots of other things. It was a lot to take in. I was told they wanted to test me for mold exposure, MS, Lupus, and Lyme but due to financials I couldn’t run all those tests right now. So decided to hold off and start with the tons of supplements I was already advised to take. I also received a text and was also uninvited to a trip for March I was honestly really excited for, but because of the recent events of me being in the hospital in January, they no longer wanted me to go with. Understandable. But still sucked. I connect with a new therapist and have my first meeting with her. She is great and I am forever thankful for her.
Second week of February - I ended up going to my bosses asking them if I could have the rest of February off so I could go see doctors, neurologists, and someone willing to help me to do all the things I needed to do to take care of me. I said “when I come back, I’ll want to hit the ground running with what I’m good at school pictures and real estate. That we could really market to the real estate industry and get more business since we work with select repeat agents. Let’s really push it. I know I need to work on headshots but for my mental health right now coming back I’d love to focus for sure on what I don’t second guess and question” They agreed and said they were proud of me for speaking up. That we could work it out that I could focus on those things and someone else in the office or herself would take the headshots and we could make it work until I was comfortable with picking up the headshots again. I was excited and proud for speaking up and to start to get my health under control and come back to work with big goals.
2/16 - I start my first-ever women’s Bible study, which I was very nervous about. I always felt like because I wasn’t raised in church and don’t know the Bible front to back or have it memorized that I wouldn’t fit in. Not the case at all. I am forever thankful for the ladies I have met, they are nonjudgmental, encouraging, inspirational, and so much more. I could go on and on about these ladies I have come to know, cherish and am proud to call them friends.
2/20 - bosses asked me to come in they wanted to discuss the apartment and my role coming back. Okay sounds great. Even though I was living in their basement, I spent a lot of time with my parents during this time due to all the health issues that were happening, and I am forever grateful to my mom and dad for all the help and support they have given me throughout all of this. Anyways, I go in to discuss, I will leave some things out but things that were prominent and also lead me to where I am now. So it’s not really at all what we originally talked about just a few weeks prior. The headshot course that didn’t happen ended up being flipped that it was my fault for not taking initiative, doing more and having things set up where she could just come to look at what I was doing. It was extremely disappointing, and I felt like a complete failure with how the conversation went. I was also frustrated that this course that in my first review I made a point and stated if it wasn’t scheduled it wouldn’t happen and I was in fact correct. But for it to fall completely back on me and being told it was my fault. I was very hurt. Being someone who hates letting people down, I felt like I completely let them down and even though I was trying to do what I could, with what resources I had, it didn’t seem like it was enough. I 100% took it to heart. We then moved on and discussed rent for the new apartment I’m supposed to be moving into soon. It is quite a bit more than I was originally told, anticipating and the reason I moved out of my other downtown apartment, which was disappointing. Again, even more than I was just told back in January. I was trying to justify it and figure it out. I mean living in their basement I had money saved up which would help, but with the new doctor I was seeing it wiped out my savings. She didn’t take insurance, so it was self-pay. We then went on to discuss my job role. That too was different than discussed and the breakdown of that didn’t really make sense and wasn’t what I expected. There was coming back full-time doing everything I was doing, headshots and all, okay fine. Or break downs of part-time roles and seasonal for school pictures. I won’t go into all the logistics but again, nothing we discussed a few weeks ago it was completely different. I was overwhelmed by that. They told me they needed to know within a few days, since I was supposed to be coming back March 2nd.
So, I did some thinking and decided when I came back, I just wanted to be full-time in what I was doing, the breakdowns weren’t what I was wanting on top of being part-time or seasonal. It wasn’t what was lined up for what I envisioned for myself and my role at work. I know I was struggling with my health and mental health and all of that, but I am a people pleaser, take pride in my work, and didn’t want to disappoint anyone. But felt that was the best decision financially and for my role, I didn’t want to necessarily step down. Not to sound arrogant, but what I’m good at, I’m very good at.
Also, in the middle-ish of Feb. there were plans for a “surprise” (I ended up being told) birthday party since I have never had one, that was supposed to be planned for my 30th birthday in March coming up. Which ends up completely falling through and nothing is planned or done and again, I felt left out, forgotten and that my birthday just wasn’t important. Another thing that happened around this time, my sister and I tried to go to our grandma’s to get her mail. We pull up and again, I am appalled by what I see with the condition of the outside. It’s not how my grandma ever kept her house. There are people home, we knock and we’re not allowed in the house due to other people who live there too. I struggle hard with this and this will be a story for another time.
End of February - I stepped completely out of my comfort zone and I connect with people from church and ride with them to Palestine, TX to the sister church of Abundant Life, for a conference. I am blessed to know them, and God brought them into my life for a reason. The conversations we had on the drive were great. 2/24 - the first night at the retreat I was 100% touched by the Holy Spirit and it was an experience I cannot explain and will never forget. I had people praying with me, for me. I cried, they cried. It was a moment for sure. My relationship with Christ has always been there but that ignited a fire in me. I was also able to stay with Courtnie and even though I was busy with church stuff it was great to still see her and spend a little time with her. Even though her family was going through their own traumas, we laughed hysterically with her in-laws and had a great time. I still wasn’t doing well with everything but again, I was trying to stay positive, and I feel like I had a new light ignited. I just don’t think I realized how dark things were getting for me. The new projected time for new apartments is June. I start to wonder and just keep a lookout for places to rent on the marketplace at this point.
March - a lot happens here as well, and this is where things seem to start to fall apart so bear with me. I’ll try to keep it short - 2nd - I start back at work. My computer re-syncs to every Dropbox folder we have for clients so I couldn’t use it as the storage on my computer was full. I have to spend a lot of time un-syncing folders. I was told to move and delete folders from Dropbox to our external hard drive to help free up space and utilize the external hard drive. This takes time and is tedious. There are over 100 client folders. I wanted to make sure everything transfers over before I delete folders from dropbox, as it’s everything we have for the clients in these folders. Losing them would be detrimental. But this needed to be done. A couple more days go by and it’s odd, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing like I’m in limbo, everyone’s kind of confused at who’s scheduled for what since I have been gone for three weeks and now that I’m back we’re all not sure. I felt out of place. It was strange. The energy was off. I felt like I was being avoided. I didn’t like it and wanted to discuss what I was feeling with my bosses and figure out what we could do. especially because it wasn’t normal for me to feel that way, I love my job and have always been there to help out when needed for the last 2.5 years. It’s only been a few days since being back so I was hoping things would settle down.
March 8th - Took engagement photos for some friends and love how they turned out even though we may have froze a little from the cold. I also reach out to a friend who also happens to be a local photographer expressing if she could help teach me headshots. I was thinking maybe I could learn something from how she does it because I was still trying to read and learn everything I could. The “class/course” was not obviously happening, so I was trying to take initiative to help myself and show that I was still taking it seriously. We set up a time to meet on Sunday and it went great. I was surprised with how simplified it was and how it went with ease. I didn’t have any problems and it was natural. I didn’t over think or second guess myself. I took her headshot, and it turned out great. I wanted to go back to work with this expressing if we could do a set up this way, I was excited to show and share what I learned and see if we could implement it. I have Bible study that Wednesday and in conversation it flowed so I express to the group my concerns about how I am feeling about work, feeling out of place, and all that. I was encouraged and lifted up. I was advised to just speak to my bosses and let them know how I was feeling as it was weighing heavy on me. I go to work that Thursday the 17th we went out to lunch as a team to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. While at lunch a realtor texted my boss praising me for the photos I delivered the previous day. It was a very proud moment and redefined again, what I felt I was good at. It was a reassuring moment when I was feeling doubt. I needed that. I also was planning to try to talk to them after work but it ended up not working out. I believe there was meetings or something I don’t remember why I just know it didn’t work out. We don’t work on Fridays usually so I told myself to just give it the weekend...I am feeling off. I just had a very weird vibe. It was really really bothering me.
Sunday 3/20 - I move into my new place since the apartments ended up not working out as I anticipated. It was very overwhelming for me after being so excited and wanting to still live downtown. But again, trying to make the best of the situation and getting a place. Very thankful to those who helped me move. Reconnected with someone who means a lot to me and am very grateful for that. Monday 3/21 - I go to work it and again it was a really weird vibe. It was very off. I wasn’t the only one who noticed it and commented on it. At 4:30 I get a text asking if I can talk after work. Great, this is what I needed. So, we meet upstairs because people are hanging around at work chatting. No big deal. Get asked how I’m feeling since being back, keep in mind it’s only been 11 workdays… I openly express everything. Lay it all on the table. As hard as it was for me to do that, I figured nothing could be resolved if I don’t speak up and advocate for myself. Again, coming back to my first review and about how they wanted me to speak up for myself and even though in months previous and it backfires; I still knew I needed to speak up. Well long story short it ended up I was blindsided and unexpectedly let go. The reasoning I was told made no sense to me, as I had never not completed a task in the 2.5 years I had been there, I was always up for helping wherever I was needed even if it was at the other business they had. So being quote tested unquote (exact words) to see if I would complete something I didn’t know was an assignment really doesn’t sit well with me. I won’t go into some of the hurtful things that happened to be said in conjunction to the headshots and things, but the entire situation shattered me completely. I cried a lot for the next several weeks. I was truly devastated.
April- I try to push my photography. While trying to apply for jobs and navigate this new chapter. I end up having TONS of computer problems. Anything that could go wrong did and then some. I also started to self-isolate. People I thought I was close with stopped reaching out, honestly months before this even. I just started to pick up on it more, maybe because I was feeling low and so alone. I hit depression. Bad. I was trying to stay positive. But my life felt like it was completely falling apart. I was grieving and I was sinking. I was trying to stay with church and Bible study because I needed the encouraging atmosphere. I found so much truth in God. I was truly trusting Him in all this. The two friends who stayed constant in this entire process both happen to be name Courtney/Courtnie. I hope they both know how much they mean to mean. I started to realize and pay attention to the people who actually cared and wanted to be a part of my life. 4/24 - I was baptized again. I was choosing to rededicate myself and this new journey I was on. Ever since February when I was touched by the Holy Spirit I knew that my relationship with Christ was different. I always had faith, I always believed in God. I just feel like I just always had Him at arms reach for when I needed Him and it was convenient. So being baptized on this Sunday, was a reflection of me letting all that hurt, and pain go, and truly trusting in God and where I am now and heading. 4/30 - went wedding dress shopping with one of my oldest friends. Even though life has kept us busy, we still always pick up where we left off. It was awesome and emotional to see her pick her forever dress and I can’t wait to celebrate with her.
May - hung out with my fav little girl again all day. We had lots of fun. I’m still in therapy. I start going to Holistic Healing for “chat” as they call it. I’ve never been but was interested and intrigued; it helped that a dear friend Lynda was hosting so I felt comfortable to know someone. It was a way for me to get out of the house, socialize, meditate, and learn more about all things holistic, self-healing, energy work, etc. I tried Acoustic Vibrational Therapy, if you ever get the chance Libbie [with Find Your Frequency] is amazing and I highly recommend. Joining them was honestly good for me. I’ve met some wonderful people through that. It’s helped me on my healing journey and the conversation is always enjoyed. End of May - drove for the first time 12h to Texas for Courtnie’s Birthday. Took my little sister, Alexis so I had company, and wasn’t freaking out when driving to a place I had never been alone. We had so much fun. Minus the severe migraine, my paralysis, and not recognizing where I was or who I was with for a short period but managed to get it under control. We had the best crawfish boil and great time. She deserved it and needed a night with friends. She’s had so much chaos and trauma herself happen, that she just needed this night about herself to let loose and enjoy herself with friends and family. The next day we go to Athens to her uncles to celebrate with her side of the family. We spend the day in the pool, and it was lots of fun. Alexis and I start the drive home and for some reason it takes us on the highway, once we get it figured out and get back on the interstate, we realize it took us completely around Dallas, so we don’t have to drive through it. We laughed about this and took it as a sign knowing that we were both nervous about Dallas because it can be a little hectic and overwhelming. I also have been spending more time with someone who means a lot to me, is always there for me and who continues to encourage me even when I’m a mess, honestly so grateful.
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I guess this brings us up to current days. So, lets see where I’m at, I was asked again to model, and it was so liberating and freeing. Even though I have been struggling I did not want to end up where I was April 2nd, 2021 again. I was trying to take the right steps forward this time. Which is where I’m at now. I’ve been on this self-healing journey. I’m finding what lights my soul on fire.
I’m not sharing any of this for pity and it’s only a small part of what’s happened or been going on. I left out lots of things too, so even through all of this there was more that in the moment just added to the weight of the world and life I was feeling. and yes, even though these bad things kept happening and I was at my breaking point I never gave up.
I’m not sharing because I want attention. I’m not sharing to talk badly about anyone. I’m sharing all of this because you truly never know what someone is going through. I’m sharing because even if it helps one person hold on to hope. I’m sharing because it’s helping me to release it and not hold onto the hurt, pain, guilt, and shame I’ve felt for so long. While everything was being broken around me it’s almost like the years were peeling me to my core. In that same time it all was also helping me to build a strong foundation and looking back, I really didn’t notice it at the time in all of my hurting.
God truly is working in my life. I have fallen to my knees and prayed, cried, even yelled out to God in frustration to all these circumstances. Yet He still provides. God is good, all the time. The last few months have only brought me closer to Him. I am in a different place mentally handling all of this than I was even a year ago. That alone shows me growth. I have had people tell me they see a difference in me from even the beginning of the year. They say they see the light in me being restored and tell me how much better I look and they love to see it.
And maybe nobody cares. and that’s fine. Maybe nobody will read this. That’s okay too. It’s been very hard when society makes you feel like you’re “behind” in life. I mean let’s face it, I’m not married, I don’t have kids, my own house, the career. It’s easy to say and to think I’m failing according to society standards, right? It’s hard when you feel left out and like you don’t belong. But while in my darkest, loneliest, depressing time I found out who cared and who didn’t. Believe me, I’ve cried tears over lost friendships/relationships wondering what I did wrong, why I’m never invited or included, what happened, and why I’m always forgotten about. It’s very hard to deal with all that, especially when you’re someone who feels things so deep and strongly. It’s doesn’t make it any easier especially because I tend overthink and over analyze every possible thing/situation. I also have crippling anxiety that all is like second nature at this point.
I’m choosing peace. I read a post on FB “so often we hurt our own feelings by thinking we mean more to people than we really do, just because they mean that much to us. People treat you exactly how they feel about you. Pay attention to actions, not just words” it’s so true.
So I’m not going to try to force myself where I don’t feel wanted. It’s too tiring to please people. It is so tiring to beg for people to be a part of your life. It is hurtful to see your efforts going unnoticed. It is not worth it to beg someone to see how much you love and care for them. I don’t have space for any of it anymore and I’m letting it all go. This doesn’t mean I have hate in my heart or that I wish you ill, not at all. I have a huge heart, that’s constantly giving. I am a forgiver. I don’t know how to give up on people. I believe there’s always good in people I love. And even after being walked on so many times, I still choose to allow people into my life. So I am setting healthy boundaries. I still will love all people well and how God intended for me to, but I also have always struggled with boundaries. So this is necessary too.
Those that are close to me know who they are, I cherish you. I give you a big heartfelt thank you for not giving up on me, talking me out of my darkest times, seeing my value, loving me despite my chaos and mess of who I am, and checking on me when I was at my lowest. There may be few of you, but you know who you are. I will hold you close.
If you made it this far, thank you for sticking around. I hope this helped you in some way. In writing this it’s helping me to release it and continue to heal. So here’s to me finding my voice, speaking truth — even if it’s through the jumbled mess of words in my head.
I’m still figuring it out, taking it day by day, and trying to find my light again. I’m starting to see the colors in the sunsets I love so much.
and honestly, through all the chaos, there is healing. I am learning that it’s completely okay to be a wildflower.
Xo.
Drae
